In the Waiting

I’ve been wanting to write a post for a while now as an update, but I couldn’t think of anything exciting or positive to say. We’re just waiting. We may be waiting for a while.

Not very newsworthy.

I feel like I should always be “up” when talking about the adoption. People are “so excited” for us. And that’s awesome. We’re so excited too. But sometimes there’s not a lot to be excited about.

Sometimes it’s hard.

We fully knew the journey would be full of ups and downs. The last few weeks have been a down for me. We’ve done all we can do, and now we wait. I’m sure most people would be surprised to find out that we’re roughly 3/4 of the way through the adoption process, and we’re only now at the point where we’re actually waiting for our child’s referral. We’ve spent months and months doing paperwork, reading and researching, regularly meeting with a social worker and completing a home study, wrestling with Canadian citizenship and Immigration, doing medical checks and getting immunizations for travel, and fundraising – without a face or a name. We know there’s a child the orphanage has for us, the child’s paperwork is all ready to go, but we’re all carefully following Hague rules which don’t allow us to know anything about the child until it officially goes from government to government and eventually down to us.This is what we’re waiting on right now.

I get it. It makes sense. It helps protect against child trafficking and that’s important. I understand. I’ve always been a rule follower. But still.

Sometimes rules suck.

Steve pointed out that when I was pregnant with our babies we at least knew how old they would be when they were born. We don’t know how old our child will be, whether we’ll need a crib or a bed, highchair or babygates…This makes the incredible nesting urges I’ve had recently, hard.

Baby showers are really hard. Seeing pregnant women is hard. Knowing they’re obviously expecting and the world knows it, it’s hard. Not having anything exciting happening in our process right now and thus not having anyone asking how it’s going anymore, is hard.

Since by the grace of God I’ve had the privilege of being pregnant before, I equate this stage with starting the third trimester. I’m tired of the process, and restless and bored and yet still have a ways to go. It’s a hurry-up-and-wait feeling. And it’s no fun. I do however have an amazing friend who keeps me grounded, reminds me of God’s promises, sends encouraging texts, listens to me rant, and prays all the time for us. (So thankful for you, buddy!)

All this to say, yes, adopting is exciting. But it’s also really really hard. And we aren’t even home with our child yet when the really hard begins. Being a mama in waiting is hard. But God is good. And walking this exciting but heartwrenching path is a blessing.

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mightly rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.” (Ps 62: 5-8)

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